Frustration

I hate feeling unbalanced. I have, in my head, large lists of rules which help me remain level. For example, I don't plan too many appointments in any given day and even less when it is my week to be with GB. If I don't follow my rules, I end up frustrated, irritable, grumpy and all around unpleasant. But what gets me the most is when despite all my mindfulness of my mental state and following the list of rules I have in place to maintain balance, life still gets to walk up and slap me in the face.

Today I had booked GB a medical appointment to get a referral to a psychiatrist. I "had" to book the appointment because apparently the doctor cannot sign the referral without actually seeing GB. (The referral had been sent over by another social agency that GB is a part of.) Minutes before I am to leave to pick up GB, I realize that I cannot find his health card i.e. his ticket to the Canadian free health care system. Losing things is a major irritation in my life. As such, I have more rules: "When you walk into the house, put your keys by the door" or "After using your bus pass, immediately put it back into your purse." As the rules somehow make their way deep into my unconscious, I find that I will follow them without any conscious awarenes of doing so. Then fewer things get lost.

Without the health card, I took GB to the doctor's. Upon my arrival, I was told that I would be required to pay $40 cash since I had not brought the card. Followed by "We don't accept anything but cash" (which I don't have) and "You have 48 hours to return with his health card or we will keep the $40". (Of course, they have his health card number on file and have seen him within the last two weeks, but it is completely reasonable to charge me for 5 minutes of the doctor's time.) And at that exact moment, all my rules were worthless. I became angry, irritated, frustrated and grumpy.

But the worst part is that it doesn't go away. The irritation and grumpiness doesn't quietly ebb and drain. My body is reset; it has reached new levels of stimulation and I have to navigate through the world unbalanced.

Now instead of enjoying the night with GB, all I want is to escape. Everything he does as a four-year-old with ADHD, pushes my patience beyond its limits. And, so of course, his behaviour escalates as my reactions do. Until he yells, "Mommy meanie!" in his own fit of frustration.

This is one part of autism that sucks. I cannot regulate my emotions. I cannot reset my levels of stimulation the way the rest of the world does. I have to do it manually (or medically). I meticiously follow all these rules to help myself stay level. But no matter how hard I work at it, life eventually sucker punches me again.

Everything GB has done since that moment has jacked my levels up just a little bit more. And through no fault of his own, nor mine, I cannot handle any further irritation. I am sorry. I am sorry GB that I was a meanie tonight. And I am sorry to my everyone I care about who has ever had to deal with my grouchiness. But mostly, I hope that you will forgive me and that eventually I can forgive myself.