Asperger's and a first date

I met a man who is handsome, intelligent, single, virtuous and incredibly desirable. And, by some amazing turn of divine intervention, he asked me out. We ended up going to a bar with some mutual friends. The date was my first on several levels. The first after a year of separation from my husband. The first ever in a way as I never really dated anyone but my ex. And the first since I learned I had AS.

My general impression is that the date did not go well. While on my part I found him so irresistible that merely being in his presence was amazing, I feel somewhat certain that my feelings were not returned. In fact, I think that he decided there was little to respect about me.Dating at this stage of my growth is primarily practice. I don't know the rules and I have very little experience. So I feel compelled to analyze the evening to see where I may have run amok.

What I learned....
1) Probably not a good idea to admit to a new guy that you "creeped" on his facebook page and looked at all his pictures and read his profile. While it seems that all young females know this is a common practice and perfectly normal, men seem to be unaware of this trend. As a result, upon learning that you were creeping his page, he may feel shocked and overwhelmed.
2) Going to a really loud bar for a night's adventures can lead to some pitfalls. On the one hand, as it is so loud, you get to be wonderfully close to your date. On the other hand, it may be too soon for that degree of physical contact and he may wish for a bit more space. But upon giving himself more space, conversation becomes impossible. A no win situation.
3) The second pitfall of going to a loud bar is that while it is super wonderful to get to spend so much time with your date; perhaps it is too much time for a new relationship. It may be hard to keep up conversation for such a long period of time --- unless you are wasted and can convince him to dance with you which alas I was not nor did he wish to dance.
4) When your date teases you, it is best not to respond with swear words. The swear words may have been intended as meaningless to you, but they may seem overly harsh to him. Certainly not the best way to win him over.
5) When he mentions that his brother has been in a wonderful relationship for 6 years, it is probably not the best idea to say, "Brutal". He will feel offended.
6) You probably shouldn't emphasize why you and he are not perfectly matched. For example, saying something like: "What twenty-five year old would ever want to date a woman who was married for 8 years, has a child and is six years older than him?"

The problem with AS in this adventure is that I seem to lack a social filter. I say things that other people would be to socially constrained to say or even admit. Add to this my obsessive tendency to always speak the truth and you have a recipe for a disaster.

I am extraordinarily disappointed with the evening. I feel like a fool and that I ruined what might have been a wonderful transitional relationship.

But at least I can celebrate that I had my first date with an amazingly handsome young man and hope that with the next man who comes along, I can continue to learn and hope for better results

Life with GB

"GB are you dressed?"
"Mommmmmmeeeee! I am trying to. You are not using any patience!"
_______________________

"Wow Mom that was AWESOME!" he says after I've just managed to spin the car out into the ditch.

....The next day, as he is climbing into his car seat:

"Mom, you remember when you put the car in the ditch? That was awesome!"

....Second and third day the same as above.

....The fourth day,

"Mom, when you are driving, pull over ok?"

"What do you mean GB?"

"When I am talking to you, pull over ok? Then you won't go in the ditch"

Frustration

I hate feeling unbalanced. I have, in my head, large lists of rules which help me remain level. For example, I don't plan too many appointments in any given day and even less when it is my week to be with GB. If I don't follow my rules, I end up frustrated, irritable, grumpy and all around unpleasant. But what gets me the most is when despite all my mindfulness of my mental state and following the list of rules I have in place to maintain balance, life still gets to walk up and slap me in the face.

Today I had booked GB a medical appointment to get a referral to a psychiatrist. I "had" to book the appointment because apparently the doctor cannot sign the referral without actually seeing GB. (The referral had been sent over by another social agency that GB is a part of.) Minutes before I am to leave to pick up GB, I realize that I cannot find his health card i.e. his ticket to the Canadian free health care system. Losing things is a major irritation in my life. As such, I have more rules: "When you walk into the house, put your keys by the door" or "After using your bus pass, immediately put it back into your purse." As the rules somehow make their way deep into my unconscious, I find that I will follow them without any conscious awarenes of doing so. Then fewer things get lost.

Without the health card, I took GB to the doctor's. Upon my arrival, I was told that I would be required to pay $40 cash since I had not brought the card. Followed by "We don't accept anything but cash" (which I don't have) and "You have 48 hours to return with his health card or we will keep the $40". (Of course, they have his health card number on file and have seen him within the last two weeks, but it is completely reasonable to charge me for 5 minutes of the doctor's time.) And at that exact moment, all my rules were worthless. I became angry, irritated, frustrated and grumpy.

But the worst part is that it doesn't go away. The irritation and grumpiness doesn't quietly ebb and drain. My body is reset; it has reached new levels of stimulation and I have to navigate through the world unbalanced.

Now instead of enjoying the night with GB, all I want is to escape. Everything he does as a four-year-old with ADHD, pushes my patience beyond its limits. And, so of course, his behaviour escalates as my reactions do. Until he yells, "Mommy meanie!" in his own fit of frustration.

This is one part of autism that sucks. I cannot regulate my emotions. I cannot reset my levels of stimulation the way the rest of the world does. I have to do it manually (or medically). I meticiously follow all these rules to help myself stay level. But no matter how hard I work at it, life eventually sucker punches me again.

Everything GB has done since that moment has jacked my levels up just a little bit more. And through no fault of his own, nor mine, I cannot handle any further irritation. I am sorry. I am sorry GB that I was a meanie tonight. And I am sorry to my everyone I care about who has ever had to deal with my grouchiness. But mostly, I hope that you will forgive me and that eventually I can forgive myself.

Garbage

GB loves garbage. I am constantly forced to watch the garbage Mighty Machines episode along with read "Garbage and Recycling" (Usborne children's books) every night. Just so you know why garbage is always on my thoughts.
First of all, why did Loblaws stop making their recycled plastic garbage bags??
Secondly, why does everything come in packaging?
After I recycle all that can be recycled and compost all that can be composted, my garbage seems to consist of nothing more than plastic packaging.
Every week, I put the plethora of non-recyclable plastic into my kitchen garbage, a white plastic bag, and then I put that small plastic garbage bag into a large black garbage bag (along with all the other small plastic garbage bags from throughout the house). Then I put the whole thing on the curb.
Did you know it takes 800 years for a plastic bottle to decompose?
If I had the power to make one new law, it would be this: All packaging must either be recyclable or biodegradable.
It just makes sense. So why hasn't someone done it?

Real Self-Esteem

GB: Mom, can I sleep with you?
(It was 6:50am.)
Me: Ok...
He snuggles up beside me tucking his little body right into the curve of mine. He takes my hand and hugs it to his chest.
Me: I love you, GB.
GB: I love you, too, Mom.
Pause.
GB: Daddy loves me too.
Me: You're right. Daddy does love you.
GB: My whole family loves me.
Pause.
GB: And I love myself.
Thought: Maybe I am doing something right.