He's gone

I want him back. I want him to change his mind... see the light... Realize how stupid he would be to let me go. I want him back so much. Right now the pain I'm experiencing doesn't matter, if he would just come back. I feel like all would be forgivable. I love him. He was so wonderful when he was mine. But he did do several things that sucked. He got mad at me for feeling sad that he wasn't around. He wouldn't let me help him when he needed help. He just disappeared. He was arrogant.

But God how I loved him. And now all there is is pain. Never-ending pain. He's gone. Just like that. And l loved him. I loved him so much. I've never loved a man like that before. I've never felt such passion for someone before. Am I afraid that I'll never feel like that again? No. But I know it may not happen again for a really long time and I don't want to let those feelings go. I don't want to say goodbye to feeling such love, passion and happiness. I don't want to say goodbye to being held in his arms all night. I don't want to do all of this all by myself again.

What could have been different, better or more?
He could have been ready to be in a relationship with me.
He could have been more emotionally available.
He could have chosen not to run away.
He could have made his behaviours match his words.
He could have let me help him through his grief.
He could have realized what he had in me.
He could have loved me as much as I loved him.
He could have worked harder on our relationship.

But none of this matters. The pain is so strong. It is so great. I just want him back. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to sleep alone. I don't want to raise GB alone. I just want to be loved. I just want to love. I have all this love inside me and I wanted to give it all to him. I wanted to be us.

But he's gone. He didn't want me. He didn't want us. And now I'm alone. Again. Now I am doing this all by myself again. It felt so good to be two. To be supported. To be loved.

It's ok little one. It's ok. I'm still here for you. You're not alone. I will take care of you. I will hold you. I will support you. I will never leave you. I will forgive you. I will love you. I will help you. I will keep you safe. You're not alone because I am here. You can lean on me when you feel weak. I will support you. We will get through this together.

He doesn't have any idea of what he is giving up. No one would have worked harder than me to love him and keep the relationship healthy.

Maybe that is why he ran away. Maybe he knew he would never deserve it. But part of me finds that very hard to believe.

I know it hurts. I know how sad you are. It's ok. He treated you very baddly. You have every right to feel sad. You have every right to be in this much pain. Hopefully we will be able to move through it soon enough.

I love him. And he's gone.

I love him. He's gone. And it really really hurts.

To Do List

· Be a good friend
· Need him less
· Feel everything
· Listen to all
· Reach out your hand
· Focus outwards