Letting Go - I cracked within 24 hours

Dear Boy,

I am writing you because I think made a mistake. Pushing you out of my life may not have been the best choice.

Last Wednesday, my therapist and I talked about trying an experiment. I wasn’t going to touch you. I was going to wait for you to touch me. I did it for two days. But before I tried it, she cautioned me. She wanted me to monitor how I was feeling. She made it clear that I needed to take care of myself.

I know that giving you space and time is healthy and that this may be necessary. But I am not doing well. The pain is unbearable. I know that it will get better with time. But time is moving so slowly and the pain is so excruciating.

I was reading a book (b/c that is how I cope) and it likened a relationship to a bridge. Each person is one of the bridge supports and their relationship is the bridge in between. It talked about how if one or both of the supports has too many cracks than the whole thing collapses.

You taking time to yourself will/should allow you to fix those cracks in your foundation. But right now I feel like I am being destroyed. I don’t know how to get through this.

So if you can think of a plan B, I would love to hear it.

But I don’t want you to wake up one morning and discover you’re trying to please me and trying to make the relationship work, but you’re not trying to become the person you wish to be.

How has the last 32 hours been for you? Has it been a relief? Has it been a relatively normal couple of days? Has it felt horrible?

I worry about sending this email. Your pattern is being reinforced once again. (Girl pursues guy; guy holds back).

I am sending it in an attempt to take care of me. Our being apart is destroying me. If there is any way that it may not be necessary, I wouldn’t mind talking about trying something else.

Merle