Letting Go

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they will be yours forever. If they don’t, they never were.

Is that really true? Because I am betting a lot on it.

Yesterday was a bad day, but today was worse.

Yesterday I was working hard to complete my presentation for the Center. I was supposed to spend the day with "the boy" but he hadn’t finished his essay either so we were both busy. I then found out that I hadn’t even made the first SSHRC round. I wasn’t going to the competition. I had already lost. I was really upset. I became quite sad. But the presentation had to be finished. So I got it done. "The boy" wouldn’t let me help him with his essay even though he was really struggling. That made me so angry at him. I needed him to let me help him because I am really good at it and I needed something to focus on besides myself. I lost that one too.

He ended up coming over around midnight. He hadn’t finished his essay but he said that he needed a break. We went to bed as usual. But this time, he wanted to fool around. I hadn’t really been touching him for the past 2 days. It was an experiment to see what would happen. I don’t know if it had an effect or if he was just horny, but we finally made out. It was so wonderful. It was so wonderful to touch his body and kiss his lips and be touched in return. It was amazing.

Then we had the talk again. The talk that we’ve been having since day one. He likes me a lot. But he is not ready for a relationship. I was challenging him because I believed his ideas were faulty. He told me that made him feel like I refused to listen to his feelings and was just trying to force my opinion on him. That I would say anything to make us stay together. I apologized. I told him that I would do better listening and asked him to start again. He did. I mirrored what he said. I sympathized with his feelings. And I realized that we were doomed. I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be. I couldn’t be his friend. He couldn’t be what I wanted him to be. He couldn’t be my boyfriend. I realized that the same pattern that occurs in all his relationships was happening again. The girl loves him way more than he loves her. He is hesitant and holds back. The girl pushes for more. They both end up unhappy and they break up. He feels like I don’t respect him. That I push and push to get what I want and don’t care about his feelings. That isn’t true, but I can see why he feels that way. I certainly keep pushing. I am rather determined to wear down his defenses; I keep believeing that he will fall in love with me. I think I am wrong.

So I told him that the only solution was for us to stop seeing each other. That I had to set him free and hoped that he would come back to me. I told him that I didn’t want to see him or talk to him or have him on facebook. I also told him that I wanted to make love to him to say Goodbye. He agreed. We did. It was a lot of fun. He taught me what to do. I was extremely anxious. I didn’t really know how to please him. But he was patient and explicit. I didn’t orgasm but I still loved it. I loved every moment of it. He did come. I told him when we were finished that I love him. Then we spent two hours holding each other and talking and laughing. It was so amazing. We were awake the entire night. He fell asleep around 7:30am. I had a doctor’s appointment so I left him asleep in my bed. I felt so close to him. I felt so happy. I thought that maybe by some screwy twist of fate that now he had changed his mind. Now we were going to be together.

Later after we both slept, I asked him to redefine us. What were we now? I got we were more than friends, which was good. But I also got we couldn’t have sex anymore, which was bad. Things hadn’t miraculously changed. He still felt hesitant. He still wasn’t ready.

So I followed through. I told him that it was over. We couldn’t see each other anymore. That I loved him and that if he ever was ready to be with me, I would be here. But in the meantime, I wanted us to be apart. We will destroy what we have if we stay together. I would rather end it now with the possibility of it continuing at some point, than lose him forever. I cried. He said he was sorry. I hugged him and held him but eventually it was just too painful. He had to leave. So I “kicked” him out.

I took him home. We kissed good bye. Then I took him his cell phone (which he forgot) and I kissed him good bye again.

I love him. I don’t know how I am going to handle this. Right now it is deceptively easy. I have just had 30 hours with him. My basket is full. But it will be empty soon enough. I don’t know if I am strong enough to get through this. I am anticipating that it will be absolute torture.

I would love to believe that he will come around. That he will heal his heart and be ready to love me with all that he has. But it is a big risk. Will we be able to pick up where we left off in say two months from now? How long does it take to heal your heart? Will he heal and then fall for someone else?

But most importantly, am I strong enough to get through this?

Because I really truly love this man.